‘Peddamma is serious’ told my mother
when I reached home from office. I called up my cousin to find out what
happened and he told me that Peddamma
has suffered a brain hemorrhage and has been admitted in the hospital. Doctors
attending to her have put her on ventilator support and are skeptical about her
chances of surviving. I rushed to the place along with my mother and directly went to
the hospital to see her.
Peddamma
was lying on the bed and looked as if she was in deep sleep. She was on
ventilator support and was breathing normally. I touched her legs and feet and I
felt some movement. I was happy that she is alive and breathing normally. It
looked as if she would get up from the sleep and ask me about my well being. I
was waiting by the side of her bed expectedly for her to wake up and hold my
hand and ask me when had I come. The duty doctor then told me that since she is
on ventilator support, her heart will beat as usual but her brain does not
respond. She is brain dead, he declared. I was unable to grasp the point although
I knew what he was saying. I asked him whether there were any chances of her recovery.
He said there are some more tests to be done after which they will be clear
about her condition.
The next day, some additional tests were done
and we were all summoned to the hospital. The doctors said that her brain has
suffered a severe damage and there are no chances of her recovery except
keeping her alive on ventilator support. I asked the doctors for how long can
she survive like that. The doctor said, today, with ventilators, blood-pressure
augmentation and hormones, the body of a brain-dead person could, in theory, be
kept functioning for a long time, perhaps indefinitely. Then I asked the
doctor, whether, by continuing to treat her and with ventilator support, can
she retain and regain her brain function over a period of time? The doctor
smiled at me at said, it is just a theory and they cannot say anything about
that. The doctor said that with the severe nature of the injury her brain has sustained,
it was difficult for Peddamma to recover. He declared that is she is taken
off the ventilator, her body may also be dead within a hour or two.
We were then asked to decide about how long she be kept on ventilator
support as the doctors were certain that there are no chances for her recovery.
I was of the opinion that she should be kept on ventilator support as long as
possible. Even though she was 80 years old, Peddamma
had a great amount of zeal and will. She was full of life and had a wish to
live as long as possible. She was a cancer survivor and came back strong after
her treatment. She used to say that she is not going to die before completing a
century. I was sure that with that kind zest for life, a person will live
longer and this episode was also going to pass and she would come alive soon.
My cousin and others, were however, were of the opinion that the
ventilator should be removed immediately. They argued that when the doctors are
not hopeful, there is no point in keeping her on the ventilator. They conveyed
the same to the doctors. Since I had no say in the matter, I kept wondering whether
that was the right move. The same evening, doctors removed the ventilator and
asked us to take the body back to home. I went near Peddamma and found that even after removing the ventilator, her
legs were responding to my touch. It was as if Peddamma was telling me that she wanted to live and was asking for
support. I went to the duty doctor and said to told him the same. He then said that the heart, which was on ventilator support until now, will beat for some time
and as long as the heart beats, the body will respond. He, however, said that
this may not last long and the body will stop responding in an hour or so. The
body was brought to the home and I was by the side of it and was touching the
feet of Peddamma. Every time when I used
to touch them, they would respond as if asking me to tell everyone that I am still
alive and want to live. I was in tears and came away from the scene and cried alone.
After some time, I came to know Peddamma
had breathed her last and the last rites would be performed the following day.
The next day, while the last rites were being performed, Peddamma was made to sit and her body
was being bathed. It was looking as if she was in deep sleep. I looked towards her I felt that her face
was looking towards me helplessly. Was she asking me something?, I thought. Was she
trying to tell me that she was not given a chance to come back to life?
I kept asking myself - Was the decision to remove her off the
ventilator taken in a haste? Have we committed an error by letting her off the
ventilator and not giving her body a chance to respond and come back to life?
After the formal rites were done, he body was put to flames. I was
observing from a distance and I noticed a figure resembling Peddamma flying out into the air with
her arms stretched towards me. I was filled with guilt and started
crying again. When I looked up again, I found that the figure had vanished into the thin air. I kept on wondering – what did Peddamma wanted to tell me? Was she telling that we were wrong when we decided to
remove off the ventilator? Was she trying to tell me that she had given many signals to us expressing her will to live and that we could not follow them?
I was completely taken aback and was totally shaken. I kept wondering - Were we guilty of killing her? The question still haunts me and makes me
cry when ever I think of her. She may be resting in heavens peacefully, but whenever,
I think of this episode I am filled with guilt and remorse. Peddamma lives in my thoughts and her
spirit will never ever die.
